


Ten's Hell

by nexttonotnormal



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Longing, One Shot, Other, Post-Episode: s04e13 Journey's End, Ten is very sad, The Doctor misses Rose, Warning: Depression and self injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 06:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13874769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nexttonotnormal/pseuds/nexttonotnormal
Summary: The only thing he could hear was the hollow pounding of his hearts in his ears.





	Ten's Hell

**Author's Note:**

> So I have been feeling depressed and Ten is my child so here you go, have some pain with this oneshot *throws confetti*

   The only thing he could hear was the hollow pounding of his hearts in his ears and he struggled to catch his breath, his respiratory bypass begging him to let it take over, but he refused to let it. He wanted to feel the burn of his lungs as he struggled to take in air. He wanted to feel the sting of his raw knuckles as he curled and uncurled his fists at his sides. He needed to feel _something._

 

   The Tardis hummed sadly, sending soothing telepathic waves, feeling for her Doctor.

 

  The soothing waves did little to ease the aching in his chest, but he appreciated it nonetheless, and he was sure the old girl knew that, even though he hadn’t moved, still staring down at the red of his converse.

 

_Funny. My knuckles are as red as my shoes._

 

   At this thought, he lifted his hands so he could examine them more closely, the normally pale skin burning red. His body was desperately trying to heal itself, but just as he had refused the respiratory bypass, he refused this as well. With every hard punch to the walls of his beloved Tardis, with every smash of a mirror, with every slice and break of his skin, his body tried so hard to heal, and was almost confused when he avidly refused it. His instincts couldn’t understand why he would want to be in pain, to not be healed. But his mind understood, his hearts understood.

 

   The pain made him feel something. Even for a brief moment. It reminded him he was alive, even when he didn’t want to be. It replaced the emotional turmoil of losing Rose with a psychical pain.

 

   He wished he didn’t care. He wished that he could move on, accept the fact that she was happy, happy with the Meta-Crisis version of him. After all, he was the one who had brought her back, had told her that he needed her. He let her go. He had to, she couldn’t travel with him forever. She was human. One day, she would grow old, and die...he didn’t think he could bare to see that happen to someone he….

 

_Why can’t I admit it to myself?_

 

   He groaned in frustration, landing a hard punch to one of the railings that circled the console. The sound rang with a sickening echo, and The Doctor inhaled sharply, feeling an ache rattle through his hand. That was surely to leave a bruise.

 

   He was such a coward. Even now, after he had lost her, not once, but twice, he still couldn’t admit the truth to himself. The reason the Tardis felt empty without her laughter, the reason whenever he found a remnant that reminded him that she had been there, that she was real, he could feel his legs try to buckle beneath him, the reason that when he had first met Donna Noble, when she knew him, and she had asked what his friend’s name was, he almost broke down sobbing then and there.

 

   What good would it do? It didn’t change anything. It wouldn’t bring her back. He had his chance, and he blew it. He would never forget the hurt and sorrow in her beautiful brown honey eyes, the way she broke with every word pushing her away. She wanted to go with him. _God_ , she had been trying to cross dimensions for him.

 

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

 

   This time, he let out a cry of anguish, picking up a random part he had left on the floor and throwing it at the metal walls, a loud ring piercing his ears.

 

   He was vaguely aware that he was crying now, warm, salty, tears rolling down his cheeks and dripping off of his chin. He didn’t bother to wipe it, he just stared off, like he often did when he wasn’t traveling, or answering some sort of distress call.

 

   He thought he had been torn completely when Gallifrey was destroyed, destroyed by his own hand. He thought that he would have never felt a pain greater than that.

 

   Oh, how wrong he had been.

 

   He had loved, and he had lost, and she was never coming back.

 

   He sank to his knees, hands grabbing at his hair, pulling, his silent tears turning into sobs.

 

   “Rose..” He mumbled through his cries, leaning forward on his knees, hands still painfully pulling his hair.

 

   She wasn’t going to look for him anymore. She had the other Doctor now. She had found him, and he turned her away. He knew it was best for her, for her to be happy, but he was surely not. He was in complete and utter agony. It was so human of him, to be like this. He supposed it was Rose who had brought the human out in him, breathed life back into his cold soul.

 

   “Come back..Rose come back..” He choked out, falling forward to his hands and knees.

 

   The Doctor, The Lonely God, the one who had saved worlds, and destroyed them, brought to his knees by a girl, a human girl. Brought to his knees by a rose, who had pierced him with her thorns.

 

   The Tardis echoed with his cries for Rose Tyler, the girl that he could never have.


End file.
